T "The thing that destroys a good many of us as Christians is our inability to relate to each other in a warm, honest, compassionate sort of way. Even with those to whom I was so close, I failed in this endeavor. I was so busy being a "doing" Christian that I'd forgotten what God called me to be."
I can relate to a lot of that statement. Since 2006 I've been feeling a lot of emotional pain coupled by seizures then major back surgery which added physical pain. Today I am grieving emotionally and hurting physically. How does one do the balancing act when both parts of your psyche are entrenched in bullets shooting at you with no relief in sight? When sneezing or coughing send shock waves throughout your body as does bumping any part of your body against a solid object? This I am trying to find out.
What do you do when you schedule a two hour session per your therapist's request then upon arriving find out she's cut the last hour so she can get paperwork done? What do you do when you've been crying for a couple of days and counting on that time to undo the mess you're feeling inside? How do you react to such news that kicks you in the stomach and knocks the wind out of you? This I am trying to figure out.
Do I just move on and forget about the hurt, loss and anger I'm feeling? As a Christian do I approach the therapist with truth? As a pain sufferer do I let others know how I'm really doing or do I keep it to myself because it's getting old to talk about? How do I blend all of this together but not let it overcome my thoughts and become obsessed with the answer? This I am trying to let go of.
I've had many offers of help from those I would call close friends. I try to let them in but sometimes I don't because I'm afraid of what I'm letting them into. Into areas I don't even understand or haven't processed yet. I don't want to do this all alone. I've done that too often. I've hurt those I love by making that decision. I don't want to do that again.
Integrating. Vulnerability. Intimacy. Feeling like a bother. Weighed down. Crying. Sobbing. Weeping. Legitimate pain. Legitimate concerns. Legitimate needs.
I am needy and it's very uncomfortable. I'd rather cut.
