This Christmas

This is the second Christmas since my Dad's passing. All I want to be able to do is have a conversation with my Dad. Just me and him in a room with two lazy boy rockers watching a football game. Him drinking his Diet Rite and I drinking my Mug Root Beer. Just the two of us.

The Christmas decorations would be simple like that little Charlie Brown Christmas tree he had on top of his big TV. It was a plastic tree with red berries on it. Ugliest thing in the world. But he liked it. For many years it was his only decoration. Or at least the only one I remember.

He'd be wearing his jeans, t-shirt, flannel shirt, slippers, eating cashews and offering some to me. We wouldn't talk much. Just sit and watch the game. I'd look around the room and see him everywhere. Paperwork, knick-knacks, cigarettes, the smell of his cologne or after shave, for years that after shave never changed. That's one thing he wasn't wearing the day I said good-bye when he was in the crematory box. No smell.

My dad was different when he stopped drinking. He wasn't sober and his choice in women didn't change but at least his eyes had life in them for a short time. For a short time, I had a dad. And for the second time before his death, I lost that dad.

All I want for Christmas is a child's wish...to be able to give her daddy one last kiss, one last hug, receive one last tassel of my hair then let him go and both of us be at peace with each other. The little girl inside wants to be held tightly by her daddy just one more time, just like he sometimes used to do. Where I felt the safest and the strength of my daddy. Even if there was beer present. It didn't matter. My daddy was holding me and I could close my eyes and be safe in his big strong arms even if just for a few minutes.

How I treasure those memories.

I'm Amazed

A dream...

I'm living in our old house, sitting on my bed. The lights are out except for the hallway light. I'm looking at my notebook when all of a sudden a shadow appears. "Tina?", I ask. No response. My adrenalin starts to kick into gear. I move my notebook and he's standing there looking down at me. Then he's gone.

Part 2. I'm telling Tina about this dream I had where I was flying in a forward loop taring paper as I flew. All of a sudden the power went out. I told her to stay there. I got up out of bed with my fists up ready to defend us. I was thirteen years old. I checked Tracy's room. She was in there. I moved quietly ready to swing my fists when I called out my mom's name. She answered and said she'd forgotten to pay the electric bill. My heart was pumping wildly. I was ready to attack any threat to my family. When I heard her voice, I woke up. I was sweating, my heart pounding and I can't fall back to sleep.

All I wonder is: Where was he in the darkness this time? Did he see me coming? Did my defense stop another sexual abuse occurrence from happening? My fists were tight and I woke up ready to fight. Did this ever really happen or is God helping me process more feelings since this is the 2nd year of his death?

In any case, I'm amazed I survived.

15 days and wha'd'ya get

Another day older and deeper in debt.

I don't know why that song popped in my head but it did. Since the appendectomy all I've been doing for 12 days is sleeping, resting, taking pain pills, resting and sleeping some more then going out some then coming back home to recover from the outside adventure by sleeping long hours. Not much to talk about the holes are healing. The steri strips came off today by way of Tracy's fingers. I still loose my breath at times (Cats! Anybody seen my airway?) Then my legs get all wiggly like their on a jelly cruise ship. Tracy: What was that? Me: What? Her: The leg thing? Oh, that's my funky chicken dance. She looks at me like we need to do something about it. I look back at her as if to say, "How many neurologists does it take to diagnose epilepsy?" To which her facial expression says, "How many?" "I don't know. I'll let you know when I know." Then we continue shopping and I continue dancing.

I know I'm making light of it. My doctor signed a form for a temporary handicap placard - 6 months. I keep saying something is wrong here with my brain and with my body but the response is always "Nothing showed up on the scan or MRI." My Christian response overrides my fleshly response several times otherwise I'd be in jail for assaulting a doctor. We're on year two, going for year two. I'm fighting an uphill battle that is against me, one that thinks this is all in my mind. Believe me, I'm creative with words, not with physical ailments like I've been experiencing. If I were I'd stop them. I'm tired. Worn out. Fatigued.

I know God believes me and sees all things, hears all things, knows all things. I have to believe He will resolve all things according to His will for my life and for those He wants me to touch. I've been told so many times already how my words really help people to feel better and what a special woman I am with a special gift. If this is who I am meant to stay, I will stay. I guess I want to exhaust my resources and make sure I've done all I can do to give God every chance to show me what life will be for a little while or forever.

More courage? Yeah, I need more courage and acceptance.

Mourning Into Dancing

Went home at 11:15, got ready for the Barrington Children's Choir with friends then had a seizure attack in my legs while we were sitting down. Took an Ativan which helped a little but not a lot.

Saw my loving Diane and cried when I saw her. She's one friend I really miss. We hugged for a long time and I cried as I held onto her. I was with true friends and I bumped into a true friend. What is God trying to remind me? I'm not as alone as I feel.

Soni, Tom, Pam and I went out for a nice dinner. Soni had won the grand prize - a Christmas tree filled with 16 gift cards. She prayed if there was someone else in need who needed it, let them win. I told God there's no one more deserving of His gift of giving than Tom and Soni. :-) Soni surprised all of us that day. She layed out the gift cards all on the table and we picked which ones we wanted. This helped me with two Christmas gifts! And what fun we had getting to know each other better.

A time to celebrate when Tom's dad has reached the fullness of his life and no longer wants to continue living; a time when Soni's Dad is experiencing complications and is all the way in Ohio; a time when I've just been diagnosed with epilepsy; and a time when Pam can be a supportive friend for her best friend Christine.

God wants us to be there for each other in the good times and through the hard times. To mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice.

True Friends

The next day....

I can't get out of bed for two hours. The seizures have me pinned down and locked down. I can't get to the medicine nor can I get to the phone. I have to lay there and shake, drift back to sleep then shake some more. What a horrible life. I hate it.

Finally I can get up. My head is very foggy. The memory is weak, the thinking is running at 40-50%, I take my meds then call Tina. We coordinate kids. I'm supposed to meet her in McHenry - I end up in Woodstock. Since I have no cellphone, I have to use the store's phone. I meet Tina at her friend's house. The journey begins. Once the task is complete, I need the boys to hang my outside Christmas lights. The older boy, Aaron, agrees to do all the driving. They hang all the lights and we head back to Woodstock. I'm not doing any driving. In fact, I'm beginning to fall asleep.

Once we're at Tina's, I go inside to lay down for a few minutes, sleep all night and wake up the next morning at 9:00. Went home at 11:15, got ready for the Barrington Children's Choir with friends then had a seizure attack in my legs while we were sitting down. Took an Ativan which helped a little but not a lot.

Saw my loving Diane and cried when I saw her. She's one friend I really miss. We hugged for a long time and I cried as I held onto her. I was with true friends and I bumped into a true friend. What is God trying to tell me?

Will You Hold Me?

It's the first year I'd saved to take my nephew and nieces shopping for the family. They had so much fun. After ward, I was driving home and had a visual seizure. I slowed way down, trying to keep my wits about me. By the time I got home, I was physically exhausted and in tears.

I called my friend and she let me spend the night. I stayed up all night again, writing and watching movies. I did not feel normal at all.

I saw Carol today, my loving therapist. I was crying so much. I asked her to hold me and she said yes. She held me close and tight. It was a long time with lots of tears flowing, lots of sounds and her rubbing my back as she spoke. She said she admired me for going through this because it's so tough.

I kept crying. I have a feeling there's a battle inside.  Do I risk going deeper where the really painful tears reside or do I let what's already been released be enough? What would you do?

Ache

Dear God,

There's an ache in my body that reminds me of the powerlessness I have over events and challenges I face. The weakness in my legs, the pain in my head, the shaking all over, the cognitive impairment, the jumbling of my words, the sadness of my soul, the brokenness of my spirit, the tearing of my heart's muscles, the imbalance when I move - all of this leads to hopelessness and fear.

Seizures in my eyes that fixate while I'm at home or while I'm driving. Seizures in my mid-section that cramp and bruise the ribs. The convulsing and twisting and stretching and pulling my body trying to get the seizure out when in reality there's nowhere for it to go. No where for it to go.

I ache. I ache for understanding. I ache to keep up the good fight. I ache for friends who will step forward and talk with me even if they don't understand. I ache for someone to listen and to love and to hold me when I cry. I ache to be set free. It's a longing to be ache-free.

Longings...Jesus longings...Heaven's longings...no more ache's...no more tears...no more pain...no more sorrow...no more pain for a useless tomorrow.

A Gentle Reminder From Your Creator.

When Emotions Are Raw

Often times when my emotions are running raw, my heart is divided. It's being pulled and stretched in different directions. There is one of two things happening. Either I'm growing or I'm being disobedient. I like to think I'm growing but there have been times when disobedience has reared its ugly head, causing more pain than was necessary.

But was it more than necessary? Sometimes I wonder if God lets us wander out into the desert so we can get full of sand, parched and thirsty for His water so we become more and more familiar with His kind of learning. So we can recognize it's attributes quicker, sooner and not so painfully.

That's my prayer for today. That the raw emotions I feel lead me to a place of obedience, not to a place in the dry desert where I wander for days uncertain of my destiny, parched and burning for certainty. Where the hope I see is not a mirage but a mirror of my Savior who is waiting for me with a cold bucket of ice water and a cold towel for my head. Shade in the form of a tent and a camel to take us home.

Days Awake

It's a brand new day.  I'm wide awake at 2:00 but before then I'm fast asleep.  I'm talking with my new sponsor Cheryl via email, trying to sort out the details of expectations and such.  We almost have it worked out.  I suspect that will come shortly.  I'm excited to be back in AA where I can experience the freedom of sobriety and the love, support and honesty of people who know me and love me anyway.  That's the beauty of 12 step groups.  Authentic love.

For some reason I'm feeling lots of anxiety.  I'm going over to Pam's.  Heaven help her, please.  And He did.  I get quite chatty when the anxiety and panic get going.  Thank goodness there's a pill for that.  We laugh about it but it's really unnerving.  She's such a good listener.  Of course she can't get a word in edge wise but she's very patient and I'm sure if she had a baseball bat she'd give me a good whack just to put me out of my misery!!  That's what friends are for, right???

I took that handy little pill and Pam found movie number 3 1/2 for us to watch.  It was Days of Thunder.  Perfect for a wide awake person.  I was up all night and couldn't find any good movies to watch.  Doesn't matter.  The cats and Mr. Rabbit kept me company.

Oh yeah, I passed another kidney stone.  What else is new?  Nuttin.

God Bless you on this fine Tuesday.

Love Amy

Keeping Your Chin Up

One of the challenges when you're making decisions under the guidance of God is to remember that He is above you, not below you. Keeping your eyes fixed on Christ means your face is looking up toward Heaven in positive expectancy, not at the ground in defeat. Keeping your chin up, not down.

Sometimes my chin is neutral. It faces forward so my feet are walking in the direction I hope I've discerned correctly for the path I am to take. If not, I stop walking and wait. I wait upon the Lord and until I receive a green light, I stay put.

But what about those yellow lights? You know something good is coming but it's not here yet. Do you go? Do you stop? Do you accelerate? Or do you wait? I believe you pray and ask the Holy Spirit and your dearest friends to pray with you. You don't budge until you have a solid answer. And if a solid answer doesn't come, then God trusts you to make the decision so either way it will be okay.

I have a dear friend who is in the middle of discerning a life changing event. She knows her name. I pray for her each time I think of her. She is wise, godly and a servant of our Most High God. Her heart wants to do what's right. I believe in her and I know she's not perfect. She will submit herself to her Savior, practice her disciplines, seek counsel and ponder in her heart the path before her.

Hold your head up. Keep your eyes fixed on Heaven for your Father is meeting your eyes with His...

Concerns In My Head

Anxieties that are causing chest pains, constant drowsiness that causes sleep, shaking of my body (mostly at night) when I am alone and there's nothing to do to stop it, fixation of my eyes for several seconds or minutes with no thoughts, pain in my low back from multiple discs removed 15 years ago, weakness in my legs from neurological disconnects (having to use my cane again), saying good-bye to friends of old when it was time, pursuing answers to questions that are still unresolved, and asking an old friend for help.

Trying not to depend on a heavy duty medication that is addictive in nature but the pull is very strong. Instead, trying to increase the medication just before that one to 2-3 times a day instead of once. Want to be brave and strong but my body needs me to be wise and use the drugs in a smart manner. The doctor trusts me - so can I.

Is this what life will be like? A series of medications, physical ailments, mental challenges and emotional pain? Yes, for a while until all of my helpers, including our Most High God and my own work, put my new self together to use for His glory and purpose.

Until then, I must hang in there and hang on.

A Day of Sleep & Idle Reflection

After a day spent with my doctor and making phone calls back and forth with the neurologists office, being told another EEG should be done then discussing which neurologist should do it, I decided to clear out my mind by spending time resting which turned into sleeping. That was followed by twelve hours of slumber.

The house was quiet. The cats slept. I was toasty warm in the bed and so were they. It was light outside, then it was dusk then it was dark. I stretched and slowly moved my body out of bed. It was only 4:30. I watched a DVD series called The Pretender. Jarod's life is one where he was taken from his family as a little boy. As a grown adult he is searching for them. They call him a pretender because he has the intelligence to be anything he wants to be. And yet one of his discoveries was his love for ice cream! He carries a Pez in his pocket, went on a Twinkie binge and is not afraid to learn new things. He is ruthlessly sought after by the people who stole him but always outwits them and escapes.

He would be the equivalent of a modern day disciple of Christ. He has no permanent home, he helps people who are in trouble, prevents those who wish to do harm and gives over to the authorities the guilty ones. And yet he doesn't loose his compassion or love. There's always a message in each episode and a theme between he and another character. They "grew up" together and share a common feeling of loneliness yet lived in completely opposite worlds.

This TV show helps me through lonely times.

This is the German Intro to "The Pretender."

28 Days Until Jesus is Born

The Thanksgiving dishes are still in the sink. Breakfast consists of leftover desserts and cold turkey. Everyone is in their pajamas and then the transition happens.

The big shopping day has arrived. Christmas lists are flying about through email. Little children are looking through toy ads saying, "I want this and that," as parents giggle to themselves remembering the days of old of doing the same. The cars are heading out to the stores or Starbucks in the wee hours of the morning. Websites are being compared for the best prices. Today the sun is shining - it's a beautiful day in most of the country.

Then you hear the familiar bell of the Salvation Army that reminds us of the poor in our country. The Marines Toy drive, the Legions toy drive and coat drive, the food pantries needing restocking, project Angel Tree for the children of those in prison and hundreds of other ministries doing the work of the Lord around the world.

There's people like me who are disabled and have extremely limited resources but have things in my house to give. I've brought usable items to Good Will, given a dollar to the Salvation Army and when I'm asked if or what I need from a friend, I'm very specific. Don't be embarrassed to let your needs be known. God wants us to take care of one another. He wants us to give out of our abundance to those who can use what we have in bounty. I plan to give away two coats to a coat drive and a new coloring book with crayons. You see, it's not the size of the gift that makes the gift special. It's the thought of the gift that makes the recipient feel special and loved by God.

Think of the person who delivers your mail and picks up your garbage each week. A gift card would be perfect for them. And remember.....no gift goes unnoticed by our Heavenly Father who sees it done in secret!!

Happy Thanksgiving

I wonder if there was a band of Pilgrims running and shouting, "The Indians are here!! The Indians are here!! Slaughter the fatted turkey, bake the tastiest bread, prepare the finest wine, share with our new friends the pick of the crop of all we have."

And then they sat down and gave thanks to the Lord for the bounty of food, their families, good health, new friends and a robust land. What a joy to imagine that first day of Thanksgiving.

What about the first day you discovered Jesus was slaughtered for your sin - an innocent lamb put to death for the dirtiness of your soiled soul. He baked in the sun on a cross, bleeding from the beatings, a sponge soaked with vinegar was offered as his final drink and his friends? The yelled CRUCIFY and beside his mom, only the three (Peter, James and John) remained at his side until he breathed his last death.

Thanks-giving.

Thanks be to God that we no longer have to pay the price for our sin when we accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, a free gift as payment for our sin.

Giving - who could be more giving than God, to give his one and only Son to a sin stained world that cries for mercy but does not receive it from the merciful One.

Let not this Thanksgiving pass you by without a time of reflection. Who are you really and where are you spending your eternity? With a God who loved us enough to forego His only Son or with the Devil who knows His days are numbered and he's trying to take as many empty souls with him? Be at peace with God. Make your peace with Him by accepting His gift to you. You'll never regret it.

A Day With A Friend

Pam and I spent the day together. I went out and did something. Arrived home in time to go see 2012 with her. We grabbed lunch then came back to her house where I started making cookies for Thanksgiving. I was making two batches. One for Pam to take to her friend Christine's and one for my family. We had a lot of fun.

We went to an open AA speaker meeting where I saw a long time friend. We chatted and I asked if she'd be willing to have eight sponsees. We're going to talk about her rules and my needs over the weekend. It felt so good to see her. I've really missed her love and her authentic walk in the program.

When Pam and I came back to her house it was time to make the second batch. I caught a second wind. She put in the movie Santa Buddies. It's one of the cutest movies I've ever seen! I was so tired after the activity of the day, I fell asleep on her couch sitting up. You know you have a friend when she covers you up, her cat makes himself comfortable in your lap and you have no idea what's going on.

I woke up the next morning excited to give her the Thanksgiving card I picked out along with the picture I'd made. I was thrilled she like it and so did the kids. It was a picture of each of my kitties taken individually but put into one photo. It turned out really good.

We said our goodbyes. Mom came and picked me up on Thanksgiving early afternoon and the festivities began!! I'm very thankful for our Savior, Sobriety and Safety we now all live in and under. What a great God we serve.

Physical Limitations

The physical limitations are starting again but today I am trying to medicate myself accordingly and plow through the tough times. I'm not able to see my therapist so it's up to me to use the tools I've got in my toolbox to apply to the difficulties swimming around in my head and in my heart.

I can't drive. I can't concentrate. I couldn't meet Alicia for the bus. I had to stay home. It was stressful and disappointing. But Tina said she could keep Ryan home and get the help she needed before mom arrived in a few hours. I needed to rest. So I walked over to Pam's, picked out some DVD series, went to Jewel and rested.

Yes, my body still shook. Yes, I still had to take more medication that usual. Yes, it made me drowsy. Yes, my brain wasn't functioning on all cylinders. It's been that way for over a year. I was able to do what needed to be done - nothing more, nothing less.

This is the closest video I could find to what I experience during a seizure. Except mine seem to last longer then go into a complex partial seizure which lasts anywhere from a few minutes to an hour and twenty minutes.

Promptings

For the last two months I've been getting this prompting to look into becoming a pastor. I shudder at the thought because it's a big responsibility. I have the spiritual gifts of leadership, encouragement, administration, discernment, shepherding and intercessory prayer. I've been told by several therapists I'd be a great therapist because I have great insight, I'm able to teach tough concepts in a simple form, I have compassion but not mercy and my boundaries are improving in those situations.

I'm learning how to say, "No" or "I've decided" or "I disagree" or "What if we try it this way" instead of becoming internally hurt and resentful. I'm becoming conformed to the image of Christ by daily submitting my hurts, character defects, sin, and letting Him change me into a better human being. I am Christ-becoming.

I wait upon the Lord who speaks clearly. Speak Lord, for your servant is listening. Let me know what steps to take, who to talk to, where to receive guidance and when to do something. Until then, I wait.

This clip is from Dead Poets Society. It shows what many of us can relate to - the pain of trying to please a father and pursue what your heart wants to do. In the end, Neil feels trapped by his father's plans for him and commits suicide.

Seize the Day

How do you seize the day when your body wants to seize your bed? I woke up at 11:00 this morning. I've been moving slowly all day, my legs have been acting like they have cerbal palsy and my mind has been slow. Yet God is with me. He knows the ache I go through when this happens. How helpless I feel. How much I want to be thin like my other sisters in Christ and how much I want to work to serve His Kingdom. How can I do that when there are more days I cannot hold a group of thoughts together? He will have to help me.

I enjoy this song very much. It's from the movie Newsies. If you haven't seen the movie, get it out of the $5 bin. It's an inspiring story about orphaned kids who are taken advantage of before child labor rights were established.

List

Things I want to do before I die:

1. Help my nephews and nieces have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

2. Grow in wisdom and in strength.

3. Feed those living on less than $1 a day.

4. Bring hope and healing to those who suffered traumas.

5. Die, knowing I lived as God wanted me to.

Plunging Ahead

My body is tired, my body is weak.
There's a sleepover planned, I'm excited like a geek.
It's just us girls with my sister, too.
Resting and playing and learning from You.

I pray for fun.
I pray for laughter.
I pray for memories,
That will last forever after.

And then, I will sleep....

I've decided

As the adult child of an alcoholic and survivor of childhood sexual abuse trauma, here is a non-negotiable: I have a right by God to decide.

God gave me that right when He created me in my mother's womb. I lost that right when I was repeatedly abused. As I regain control and power, leaning on His strength and not my weakened state, I have a right to decide.

I can say hello or I can say good-bye.
I have a right to decide.

When did I give up that right? When it cost me physical, emotional or sexual pain. There is no more pain from the abuser. Sometimes there is pain that mimics those past hurts. Even then I have the right to decide no more and walk away.

Wise counsel is always the right decision.
That I shall always seek.