This morning my head is filled with all sorts of thoughts. Mostly the struggle I'm having to stay sober after 10 months of not having a drink. I didn't realize how much of an alcoholic I am, how using alcohol to cope lead to my demise for many years, emotionally. I'm so filled with grief and anger about Aaron I don't know what to do or where to turn. So I went to another meeting last night because staying at home in my own head was leading to trouble. Listening to other alcoholics talk about their "glory days" and their walk through Step Two was helpful.
"Came to believe that a Power greater than myself could restore me to sanity." If I were to pick out a bible reference for this it would be the reference Paul makes about wanting to do what's right yet his actions were all wrong. That's the insanity of living down here. I came to believe in you at a very young age despite the abuse. I also believe you are restoring me from brokenness to wholeness even through the emotions of Aaron's death. What I struggle with is how to express what I'm feeling inside.
Writing has always been a good outlet. So has praying. A friend in AA told me that what I'm feeling is very normal and taking a drink will only complicate it. I won't be able to support my niece Hope as she goes through her grief and my life will not be changed for the better. In fact, it will get worse. It was a good reminder as I remembered last summer. Sitting in my car with a rag, a knife, Benedryl and the thing you mix with it to commit suicide. I was at the location, I had the tools, I had the plan and then you spoke...."What are you doing?"
It was like you snapped your fingers and I woke up from hypnosis. I looked down at what I was doing and said, "I don't know." Your Holy Spirit told me to throw away the knife, pack up the other stuff then go camp for a couple of days to clear my head and be with you. I did so. Little did I know that back home people were praying for me because they knew I left to commit suicide. I didn't know they knew for I was so wrapped up in myself that I didn't reach out for help until I got back. Hospitalized again, I got what I needed and walked out.
I haven't had a drink since that day nor have I cut. I've been able, with your help and the support of family and friends to continue on this path of recovery. Death is eminent. Your time to take Aaron was pre-scheduled. I hope he died with You in his heart.
Love Amy
