2010 - A Year Never Forgotten

Dear Abba Father,

2010 was a very difficult year. I was having many physical ailments, the sudden loss of Aaron, kidney stones, back surgery, increase in depression, tremors and so on.

2010 brought in some good stuff. Reconnecting with my cousin, Melissa. Regular time with Marie. Paula showing up for Aaron's funeral. No more kidney stones (yet). Back surgery was successful. Medication was adjusted. Migraines successfully treated with new drug. The start of weight loss with a goal of 140. More time with Joe and Jon. Our family supporting each other. Compassion for Dale and Tina. Same for Shawnda. Talking to Aaron about Heaven 12 days before his death. Assurance from God Aaron is with Him. Sad news Uncle Eddie died. So did cousin Billy, Aunt Pat and Smudge. Surrounded by death. No wonder I feel disconnected.

2010 was financially blessed. Thank you for Matt, Jo, Soni and Tom, Pam and my family. Thank you for Mark and his small group of merry men.

2010 defined real friendships. Thank you for Jo, Laurie, Marie and Pam. Thank you for my small group, my church and Bonnie and Annie/Donald.

2010 was the first season of football (Ryan), helping Hope through grief, learning Alicia's clinging meant she needed to feel safe after Aaron died, Samantha coming into her own uniqueness and talents, listening to Joe as he expresses himself on Facebook, seeing Joe and Jon change by becoming more responsible, less stressed and working on becoming men of integrity. I pray I have an opportunity to share with them the talk I had with Aaron.

2010 is a year I'd like to forget. Honestly. Between integrating my split self with the help of Jeff and growing in intimacy with Carol, I know You are my all in all. You, Father, held my hand, expanded my heart, moved my feet and guided my words.

To You be all glory and praise, forever and ever. Amen.

Love Amy Kathleen

Aaron's first Christmas

Dear Aaron, we had our traditional Christmas at Meagan and Daryl's this year. We seemed to be doing okay until Santa and Mrs. Claus arrived. Just having them there felt wonderful and warm. But for most of the adults it was a reminder that you wouldn't be sitting on Santa's lap (or he on yours!). For me, I started crying after we took our family picture. I knew in my head we'd be less one person this year but it wasn't until the camera's clicked, that reality clicked that you wouldn't be in it. I wish I could have a new picture of you but there aren't any. There won't be any. My prayer for our family is that we know you are with God, who loves you more than anyone on this earth ever could. This first Christmas without you is very sad.

I know you made a decision to believe Jesus would forgive your sins, that you asked him into your heart, and because of those actions, you are now in Heaven celebrating with the angels and singing praises to God. Aaron, it was only 7 days before your hospitalization that we had that conversation. Then five days later God whispered your name and into Heaven you reside. No more pain, no more sorrow, no more tears and for us, no more tomorrows. I'd rather have you in Heaven for a lifetime then on this earth for a short time.

I love you and yes, I missed you running out of Tina's and wrapping your arms around me with your, "Hi, Aunt Amy! Can I carry anything?" What joy I will feel when I see you running toward me and hear your voice once again. You'll always be my A-rown. ♥

Downcast

It's not a game concerning weather.
It's a feeling of deep remorse.
Even for something we didn't do.
But for someone who did.

From the TouchPoint Bible NLT:
Loss: We suffer a great loss, a separation from someone important to us. Separation or loss means we no longer have a vital, ongoing, living relationship with this person - only memories. We no longer can talk with this person, hug or kiss this person, hold hands or walk down the street with this person, or do any one of a thousand wonderful activities with this person. Don't deny your loss. Great grief is the result of great love. The tears of Jesus at Lazarus's death forever validate our tears of grief. John 11:30-36 says, "Then Jesus wept."

I weep for you, Cathy. I weep for you, Dad. I weep for you, Maryla. I weep for my health. I weep from loss of a great job. I weep for you, Aaron. I weep for the back surgery and recovery from it.

I wait for grief to stop being so hard.
Someday that will happen.
Not today.

Fractured

With Aaron not here anymore I don't feel broken. 
I feel fractured.
Broken is when there are pieces to put back together.
Fractured is concealed until an x-ray is taken.


The x-ray shows truth.
Truth about the injury.
How long it will take to heal.  If it can heal.
A fracture can require a cast.
It can require a tight tape wrap, a sling or a boot.

Being fractured?  No, that's not possible.
Not in the death of a loved one.
Even though I feel fractured, the x-ray
Would show a gap in one area; not my entire body.

The gap would be in my heart. 
The place where all love is coveted.
A safe place for certain people to enter and exit.
A place where I choose who to let in or keep out.

Fractured. 
I can't explain what it is.
I've never been here before.
I'm sure God will reveal what it means to be
Fractured.