Gone Too Soon

Dear Aaron,
     I'm so sad you are not here.  I hoped we could start a tradition where you and Ryan put up my Christmas lights.  You guys did such an unbelievable job last year.  I doubt I'm going to duplicate it.  This picture reminds me of who you truly were.  A young man with his whole future ahead of him.  Little did we know it was going to be the last Christmas we'd spend with you.
     I'm depressed, missing you, powerless to bring you back.  I know you're with your Savior, Jesus Christ, who loves you more than we ever could.  But still, I'm sad.
     I'm receiving one of the ornaments your Dad and Tina had made in your memory.  It's very beautiful.  It captures your suave look perfectly.
     This is turning out to be a long season.
      I pray all of us will be able to get through it.
Love Aunt Amy

The Day After Thanksgiving

While the last seven months have been filled with pain and heartache, our Good God has proven Himself faithful and true.  You know when you're trying to not think about someone then that someone becomes all you can think about?  As is expected my thoughts were about Aaron.

I was doing okay until Tina showed me the ornament of Aaron that's being made for the family.  I saw the young man I new as my nephew.  The fact that he's gone is sobering.  I wanted him off the ornament, entertaining us with his captivating personality.  But that wasn't how it is.

I have a lot of gratitude for these people:  Mom, Tina, Tracy, Dale, Bill, Joe, Aaron's memory, Jon, Ryan, Hope, Samantha, Alicia, Bonnie (and family), Jo (and family), Laurie, Marie, Pam (and cats), all of my cats, Carol, Jeff, my medical team and Alcoholics Anonymous.

Now I write Christmas cards.  What a joy that will be.

Four Days Before Thanksgiving

Woman at Jesus' feet

My heart and mind are held captive by the wonderous works you do, Lord.  Your hand on my head, your hand on my cheek, your hands holding me up and your voice softly speaks.  You are my Savior, you are my Lord.  There's nothing I can do to separate us.  You love me with an everlasting love.  You help me through trials I never thought possible to survive.  You heal the broken pieces by making a new image.  Your grace is sufficient when I'm weary to the bone.  Your Word speaks truth, trust and love.  It's been called the greatest Love story ever told.  And you are!!

Love Amy Kathleen

Five Days Before Thanksgiving

Is it hard to give thanks during a time of mourning?  Is it hard to give thanks during a time of grieving?  Is it hard to give thanks during a time of healing?  I believe it's hard but not impossible.  There are so many days throughout the year when difficulties arise.  There are less days when our boat gets rocked.  Still fewer days when we are drowning in sorrow.  Each day seems to get better then a wave hits our emotions and we are tossed in the air without warning.  My pastor calls this a rogue wave.  It's subtle fury is virtually undetected until you're in the throws of it. 

Then what?  Do we toss in the towel and call it quits?  Do we self-medicate so the pain isn't so raw?  Do we contemplate hurting ourselves to have tangible marks on our body to say to ourselves, "See?  I'm feeling pain."

There are several other ways to cope.  I've learned writing is the best way for me to express how I'm feeling no matter the circumstance.  It's harder to talk about, even with a trusted friend or therapist.  Sometimes I become so choked up I can't speak.  The lump in my throat is too big.  Then there are times I can't help but talk.  I often cry which still seems like a weakness.  It isn't so I have to bridge that chasm one tear at a time.

I pray for myself, that God will teach me how to grieve.  How to grieve the way he wired me up to grieve.  If it be with people let my discernment do the choosing.  If it be private let my solitude hear God's whispers.  Self-destruction is never a good choice (even if it's the most convenient) so I pray to be shown and given new tools in learning how to cope with loss.

I love the Lord with all my heart, soul, mind and strength.  I hope you do.  If not, I hope you do soon.

Amy

Picture God singing this to you:

 

Seeing with Your Own Eyes

So many questions, so little time.
My story is real, it's only mine.
Questions need answers, God only knows,
What to say to us when we are low.

Questions without answers seem more common these days.  Writing is helping the pain go away.  But when will it visit me next?  This answer I do not have.  But when the next wind hits, I'm hoping I won't be mad.


Questions without answers, a frustration hard to tell.  Sometimes it feels like heaven, other days not so well.  Why did they all die?  A silly question, I know.  But days are hard and nights are long for those who do not know.  God holds the answers, I know He holds the key.  He's not singling me out, no, it has nothing to do with me.  


Man was given free will to choose on his own.  Who he'll be faithful to, dedicated to God's throne?  Only time will tell through testing and trials, who'll be the one to discover God's amazing love, His story unfolds.


Seeing with my own eyes is very limiting indeed.
For I have scales over my eyes making it difficult to read.
The Bible is God's word written for man,
Made in His image doing the best he can.


So why do troubles always come my way?
Because I serve Jesus and love Him in every way!
Question answered.
Eyes opened.
Heart transformed.
Soul saved.


Thank you, Abba Father.
Love always and forever, 
Amy Kathleen

Gray Days

Dear God,

Today is a gray day yet my mood remains positive. I'm mailing my Thanksgiving cards tomorrow. I'll start Christmas cards soon after. I just might stay home this Thanksgiving. Sit in being thankful, not distracted by food. Keeping the weight loss going is hard enough without all the temptation of that day.

I'm distracted even now. My brain chemicals must be off. Time to switch over to the new doses.

I hope they work!

Love Amy

7 Months

Dear God,

What seemed like the end of the world last week has been surprisingly manageable today. When my thoughts and emotions lingered on Aaron's death I was saddened and angered at the same time. Grief is confusing, but then again, what troubles in this life aren't?

When I saw my therapist (Jeff) today we talked about the chasm between what we grew up knowing and what survival techniques we picked up learning how to manage our emotional roller coasters. The chasm starts out pretty wide. As we grow in maturity and through life's tough challenges, with a little help, we're able to reduce that chasm to a morsel instead of a mountain.

You've been teaching me that sorrow does not have to be taken out by cutting my body to shreds. I don't need the physical pain or the sight of my own blood to feel. I need to be on top of the depression, the fleeting thoughts of harm to my body and talk to those who are professionals or mature believers in Christ.

Taking it to You in prayer is another reminder of bringing You closer to me. Thank you for all the ways you love me. I am deserving of your love because Christ died on the cross for my sin and I've accepted His payment in full. Without you, there is no hope.

Thank you that Aaron made that decision. On this day, the seven month anniversary of his death, I'm reminded once again that he's with You. He has a new life free from pain, suffering and tears. No more huffing, no more of anything that was hurting him.

I miss him dearly, Lord. We all miss him. Please comfort us in our grief as we seek answers to questions that have no answer. I trust in You, Lord. Only You.

Love Amy Kathleen

When I Look

When I look into my eyes, I no longer despise,
The person looking back at me, whom I can clearly see.
She's got a lot on her plate, brought down from Heaven's gate,
Though it's very hard to wait, I try not to hesitate.
For I know everything works together for those who love Christ,
As far as I know the ending is always nice.

When I look into my Bible, all the stories I read,
Are for God's lost people, to see Him, indeed.
The truths that are told, at times are hard to believe,
Until bible scholars and scientists, both fully agree.
God's word is written, by the people of His land,
As far as I know, it was written by His hand.

When I look at the world around me, the suffering, the pain,
It resonates in my heart, that people live in shame.
Jesus asked us to take care of the poor,
To feed them and clothe them, that's for sure.
God's love is real, let's never forget,
That Jesus paid for our sin, we're no longer in debt!

A Quiet Life

There are times I miss a quiet life.
But is there such a thing? Really?
A quiet life could be one without strife.
A life without quarrels, without bitterness,
Without betrayals, without death.

No, there is no such thing as a quiet life.
Yes, there is such a thing as a peace filled life.

A life with strife where loved ones hold onto us.
A life with quarrels which expose a relationship's foundation.
A life of bitterness which challenges us to look in the mirror at our own imperfections.
A life of betrayals which teach us lessons we don't have to repeat.
A life with death - where we are blown out of our minds in grief.

A quiet life can be one where the Almighty God is present.
A life of fulfillment. A life of peace during difficult times.
A life of learning self-control and self-discipline.
A life patterned after Jesus, the Greatest Gift of all.

A quiet life? Yes, there is such a thing.
I enjoy it every time it comes in for a visit!

Be Still My Lips

Don't argue with the pain. Don't deny it isn't real.
Listen to it's voice.  Be quiet, be still.

The voices you hear screaming are somewhere deep inside.
The messages they're sending are problematic besides.

When those evil voices haunt your daily routine,
Reach out to God, not your broken self-esteem.

The voices aren't real, they are your fears giving a shout.
They continue to beg you, for you to find their way out.

My soul, wait in silence for God only, you say.
Then the whispers become angry and I can't make them go away.

I try to talk, I try to write but nothing seems to work.
It's as though I'm stuck inside, the crying, the hurt.

When it boils down to who I trust, Jesus Christ is His name.
I hold him in my blankey, to some, that might be lame.

But there is only One who knows it all, the big and the small.
For now I am a tiny girl, snuggled tightly into a ball.

So how does this tradgedy end, how does it all fit?
I suppose I'll know in the future, when God reveals it.

"Hang onto your sanity, Amy, don't let it go.
I have so many plans for you, you'll never outgrow.
As you seek to know Me better, may I give you this?
Never doubt my love for you, you're My little miss."

End

Glazed Eyes

Absent of emotion. Bereaved with pain.
Cautious of feeling. Dead again.

End of a life. Fretting my own.
Giving up hope. Hopeless and alone.

Introvert caves. Justify waves.
Keeping track. Lamenting their flack.

Misery seeps in. Nothing seeps out.
Open a wound. Prickly people pop out.

Quiet at home. Rest and I roam.
Stop the whispers. True love withers.

Undeniable death. Vulnerable to the test.
Where do I belong? X-it, stage left.

Yearning for heaven...Zero pain forever!