Dear God,
There are days I find it so hard to get out of bed so I can take the medications to help the depression level off. Eventually I get up and eventually I get going.
My heart is heavy inside, filled with burdens that are not mine to carry. Your word says in Matthew to give them to you for your yoke is easy and your burden is light. How I long for the day when all burdens will be lifted by your capable hands.
Intellectually, I know it's the imbalance of neurotransmitters that cause the depression in addition to mood swings and emotional instability. But none of it really matters when you're in the midst of it and you're fighting the paralysis of your body and your mind.
Emotionally, I'm either frozen or drowning in tears. Today I am frozen. Yesterday I was drowning in tears. Today I have a migraine, one that tingles all over my head. My hands are numb but still I can type pretty good. I am grateful.
God, help me to see the provision you've had for my illnesses. Remind me of your goodness and your faithfulness when my gas tank is on empty. Don't ever let me stop having hope. I put my trust in you.
Love your daughter,
Amy Kathleen
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Waking
Everyday seems to weigh heavy on my shoulders. Waking is happening all hours during the night as I hear myself shout out or wake to my shouting. I have no recollection of what is occurring in my sub-conscious. I know it's processing and releasing deep roots of pain.
Today I had a difficult time not crying. The same shouts continued but this time I used my back rest as a pillow and a side of it as someone holding me for comfort. I think it was Carol. I was scared most of the night. Hiding, protecting, changing sleeping positions, hearing footsteps and other noises. As I write, I zone out.
I'm sober. I went to a meeting. Tomorrow I ask someone to be my sponsor. Tomorrow night I go to my next AA meeting. Saturday night I go to church. I think I have another infection. I'm so tired.
God, please help me physically. Grant wisdom to Dr. Laura. Please provide for my financial need. Please guide Matt's family, release Nancy's illness in your time, help Elizabeth find her Coda meetings, help Tom, Soni and I to work on my financial task without difficulty, provide the right job for Annie and Nancy N., and bring funding to Bright Hope so the gospel message can be carried and Mike/John will be protected from disease and illness in Haiti.
I am weak and worn out.
Your faithful daughter,
Amy
Today I had a difficult time not crying. The same shouts continued but this time I used my back rest as a pillow and a side of it as someone holding me for comfort. I think it was Carol. I was scared most of the night. Hiding, protecting, changing sleeping positions, hearing footsteps and other noises. As I write, I zone out.
I'm sober. I went to a meeting. Tomorrow I ask someone to be my sponsor. Tomorrow night I go to my next AA meeting. Saturday night I go to church. I think I have another infection. I'm so tired.
God, please help me physically. Grant wisdom to Dr. Laura. Please provide for my financial need. Please guide Matt's family, release Nancy's illness in your time, help Elizabeth find her Coda meetings, help Tom, Soni and I to work on my financial task without difficulty, provide the right job for Annie and Nancy N., and bring funding to Bright Hope so the gospel message can be carried and Mike/John will be protected from disease and illness in Haiti.
I am weak and worn out.
Your faithful daughter,
Amy
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