This is the second Christmas since my Dad's passing. All I want to be able to do is have a conversation with my Dad. Just me and him in a room with two lazy boy rockers watching a football game. Him drinking his Diet Rite and I drinking my Mug Root Beer. Just the two of us.
The Christmas decorations would be simple like that little Charlie Brown Christmas tree he had on top of his big TV. It was a plastic tree with red berries on it. Ugliest thing in the world. But he liked it. For many years it was his only decoration. Or at least the only one I remember.
He'd be wearing his jeans, t-shirt, flannel shirt, slippers, eating cashews and offering some to me. We wouldn't talk much. Just sit and watch the game. I'd look around the room and see him everywhere. Paperwork, knick-knacks, cigarettes, the smell of his cologne or after shave, for years that after shave never changed. That's one thing he wasn't wearing the day I said good-bye when he was in the crematory box. No smell.
My dad was different when he stopped drinking. He wasn't sober and his choice in women didn't change but at least his eyes had life in them for a short time. For a short time, I had a dad. And for the second time before his death, I lost that dad.
All I want for Christmas is a child's wish...to be able to give her daddy one last kiss, one last hug, receive one last tassel of my hair then let him go and both of us be at peace with each other. The little girl inside wants to be held tightly by her daddy just one more time, just like he sometimes used to do. Where I felt the safest and the strength of my daddy. Even if there was beer present. It didn't matter. My daddy was holding me and I could close my eyes and be safe in his big strong arms even if just for a few minutes.
How I treasure those memories.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
I'm Amazed
A dream...
I'm living in our old house, sitting on my bed. The lights are out except for the hallway light. I'm looking at my notebook when all of a sudden a shadow appears. "Tina?", I ask. No response. My adrenalin starts to kick into gear. I move my notebook and he's standing there looking down at me. Then he's gone.
Part 2. I'm telling Tina about this dream I had where I was flying in a forward loop taring paper as I flew. All of a sudden the power went out. I told her to stay there. I got up out of bed with my fists up ready to defend us. I was thirteen years old. I checked Tracy's room. She was in there. I moved quietly ready to swing my fists when I called out my mom's name. She answered and said she'd forgotten to pay the electric bill. My heart was pumping wildly. I was ready to attack any threat to my family. When I heard her voice, I woke up. I was sweating, my heart pounding and I can't fall back to sleep.
All I wonder is: Where was he in the darkness this time? Did he see me coming? Did my defense stop another sexual abuse occurrence from happening? My fists were tight and I woke up ready to fight. Did this ever really happen or is God helping me process more feelings since this is the 2nd year of his death?
In any case, I'm amazed I survived.
I'm living in our old house, sitting on my bed. The lights are out except for the hallway light. I'm looking at my notebook when all of a sudden a shadow appears. "Tina?", I ask. No response. My adrenalin starts to kick into gear. I move my notebook and he's standing there looking down at me. Then he's gone.
Part 2. I'm telling Tina about this dream I had where I was flying in a forward loop taring paper as I flew. All of a sudden the power went out. I told her to stay there. I got up out of bed with my fists up ready to defend us. I was thirteen years old. I checked Tracy's room. She was in there. I moved quietly ready to swing my fists when I called out my mom's name. She answered and said she'd forgotten to pay the electric bill. My heart was pumping wildly. I was ready to attack any threat to my family. When I heard her voice, I woke up. I was sweating, my heart pounding and I can't fall back to sleep.
All I wonder is: Where was he in the darkness this time? Did he see me coming? Did my defense stop another sexual abuse occurrence from happening? My fists were tight and I woke up ready to fight. Did this ever really happen or is God helping me process more feelings since this is the 2nd year of his death?
In any case, I'm amazed I survived.
Monday, December 21, 2009
15 days and wha'd'ya get
Another day older and deeper in debt.
I don't know why that song popped in my head but it did. Since the appendectomy all I've been doing for 12 days is sleeping, resting, taking pain pills, resting and sleeping some more then going out some then coming back home to recover from the outside adventure by sleeping long hours. Not much to talk about the holes are healing. The steri strips came off today by way of Tracy's fingers. I still loose my breath at times (Cats! Anybody seen my airway?) Then my legs get all wiggly like their on a jelly cruise ship. Tracy: What was that? Me: What? Her: The leg thing? Oh, that's my funky chicken dance. She looks at me like we need to do something about it. I look back at her as if to say, "How many neurologists does it take to diagnose epilepsy?" To which her facial expression says, "How many?" "I don't know. I'll let you know when I know." Then we continue shopping and I continue dancing.
I know I'm making light of it. My doctor signed a form for a temporary handicap placard - 6 months. I keep saying something is wrong here with my brain and with my body but the response is always "Nothing showed up on the scan or MRI." My Christian response overrides my fleshly response several times otherwise I'd be in jail for assaulting a doctor. We're on year two, going for year two. I'm fighting an uphill battle that is against me, one that thinks this is all in my mind. Believe me, I'm creative with words, not with physical ailments like I've been experiencing. If I were I'd stop them. I'm tired. Worn out. Fatigued.
I know God believes me and sees all things, hears all things, knows all things. I have to believe He will resolve all things according to His will for my life and for those He wants me to touch. I've been told so many times already how my words really help people to feel better and what a special woman I am with a special gift. If this is who I am meant to stay, I will stay. I guess I want to exhaust my resources and make sure I've done all I can do to give God every chance to show me what life will be for a little while or forever.
More courage? Yeah, I need more courage and acceptance.
I don't know why that song popped in my head but it did. Since the appendectomy all I've been doing for 12 days is sleeping, resting, taking pain pills, resting and sleeping some more then going out some then coming back home to recover from the outside adventure by sleeping long hours. Not much to talk about the holes are healing. The steri strips came off today by way of Tracy's fingers. I still loose my breath at times (Cats! Anybody seen my airway?) Then my legs get all wiggly like their on a jelly cruise ship. Tracy: What was that? Me: What? Her: The leg thing? Oh, that's my funky chicken dance. She looks at me like we need to do something about it. I look back at her as if to say, "How many neurologists does it take to diagnose epilepsy?" To which her facial expression says, "How many?" "I don't know. I'll let you know when I know." Then we continue shopping and I continue dancing.
I know I'm making light of it. My doctor signed a form for a temporary handicap placard - 6 months. I keep saying something is wrong here with my brain and with my body but the response is always "Nothing showed up on the scan or MRI." My Christian response overrides my fleshly response several times otherwise I'd be in jail for assaulting a doctor. We're on year two, going for year two. I'm fighting an uphill battle that is against me, one that thinks this is all in my mind. Believe me, I'm creative with words, not with physical ailments like I've been experiencing. If I were I'd stop them. I'm tired. Worn out. Fatigued.
I know God believes me and sees all things, hears all things, knows all things. I have to believe He will resolve all things according to His will for my life and for those He wants me to touch. I've been told so many times already how my words really help people to feel better and what a special woman I am with a special gift. If this is who I am meant to stay, I will stay. I guess I want to exhaust my resources and make sure I've done all I can do to give God every chance to show me what life will be for a little while or forever.
More courage? Yeah, I need more courage and acceptance.
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Mourning Into Dancing
Went home at 11:15, got ready for the Barrington Children's Choir with friends then had a seizure attack in my legs while we were sitting down. Took an Ativan which helped a little but not a lot.
Saw my loving Diane and cried when I saw her. She's one friend I really miss. We hugged for a long time and I cried as I held onto her. I was with true friends and I bumped into a true friend. What is God trying to remind me? I'm not as alone as I feel.
Soni, Tom, Pam and I went out for a nice dinner. Soni had won the grand prize - a Christmas tree filled with 16 gift cards. She prayed if there was someone else in need who needed it, let them win. I told God there's no one more deserving of His gift of giving than Tom and Soni. :-) Soni surprised all of us that day. She layed out the gift cards all on the table and we picked which ones we wanted. This helped me with two Christmas gifts! And what fun we had getting to know each other better.
A time to celebrate when Tom's dad has reached the fullness of his life and no longer wants to continue living; a time when Soni's Dad is experiencing complications and is all the way in Ohio; a time when I've just been diagnosed with epilepsy; and a time when Pam can be a supportive friend for her best friend Christine.
God wants us to be there for each other in the good times and through the hard times. To mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice.
Saw my loving Diane and cried when I saw her. She's one friend I really miss. We hugged for a long time and I cried as I held onto her. I was with true friends and I bumped into a true friend. What is God trying to remind me? I'm not as alone as I feel.
Soni, Tom, Pam and I went out for a nice dinner. Soni had won the grand prize - a Christmas tree filled with 16 gift cards. She prayed if there was someone else in need who needed it, let them win. I told God there's no one more deserving of His gift of giving than Tom and Soni. :-) Soni surprised all of us that day. She layed out the gift cards all on the table and we picked which ones we wanted. This helped me with two Christmas gifts! And what fun we had getting to know each other better.
A time to celebrate when Tom's dad has reached the fullness of his life and no longer wants to continue living; a time when Soni's Dad is experiencing complications and is all the way in Ohio; a time when I've just been diagnosed with epilepsy; and a time when Pam can be a supportive friend for her best friend Christine.
God wants us to be there for each other in the good times and through the hard times. To mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
True Friends
The next day....
I can't get out of bed for two hours. The seizures have me pinned down and locked down. I can't get to the medicine nor can I get to the phone. I have to lay there and shake, drift back to sleep then shake some more. What a horrible life. I hate it.
Finally I can get up. My head is very foggy. The memory is weak, the thinking is running at 40-50%, I take my meds then call Tina. We coordinate kids. I'm supposed to meet her in McHenry - I end up in Woodstock. Since I have no cellphone, I have to use the store's phone. I meet Tina at her friend's house. The journey begins. Once the task is complete, I need the boys to hang my outside Christmas lights. The older boy, Aaron, agrees to do all the driving. They hang all the lights and we head back to Woodstock. I'm not doing any driving. In fact, I'm beginning to fall asleep.
Once we're at Tina's, I go inside to lay down for a few minutes, sleep all night and wake up the next morning at 9:00. Went home at 11:15, got ready for the Barrington Children's Choir with friends then had a seizure attack in my legs while we were sitting down. Took an Ativan which helped a little but not a lot.
Saw my loving Diane and cried when I saw her. She's one friend I really miss. We hugged for a long time and I cried as I held onto her. I was with true friends and I bumped into a true friend. What is God trying to tell me?
I can't get out of bed for two hours. The seizures have me pinned down and locked down. I can't get to the medicine nor can I get to the phone. I have to lay there and shake, drift back to sleep then shake some more. What a horrible life. I hate it.
Finally I can get up. My head is very foggy. The memory is weak, the thinking is running at 40-50%, I take my meds then call Tina. We coordinate kids. I'm supposed to meet her in McHenry - I end up in Woodstock. Since I have no cellphone, I have to use the store's phone. I meet Tina at her friend's house. The journey begins. Once the task is complete, I need the boys to hang my outside Christmas lights. The older boy, Aaron, agrees to do all the driving. They hang all the lights and we head back to Woodstock. I'm not doing any driving. In fact, I'm beginning to fall asleep.
Once we're at Tina's, I go inside to lay down for a few minutes, sleep all night and wake up the next morning at 9:00. Went home at 11:15, got ready for the Barrington Children's Choir with friends then had a seizure attack in my legs while we were sitting down. Took an Ativan which helped a little but not a lot.
Saw my loving Diane and cried when I saw her. She's one friend I really miss. We hugged for a long time and I cried as I held onto her. I was with true friends and I bumped into a true friend. What is God trying to tell me?
Friday, December 4, 2009
Will You Hold Me?
It's the first year I'd saved to take my nephew and nieces shopping for the family. They had so much fun. After ward, I was driving home and had a visual seizure. I slowed way down, trying to keep my wits about me. By the time I got home, I was physically exhausted and in tears.
I called my friend and she let me spend the night. I stayed up all night again, writing and watching movies. I did not feel normal at all.
I saw Carol today, my loving therapist. I was crying so much. I asked her to hold me and she said yes. She held me close and tight. It was a long time with lots of tears flowing, lots of sounds and her rubbing my back as she spoke. She said she admired me for going through this because it's so tough.
I kept crying. I have a feeling there's a battle inside. Do I risk going deeper where the really painful tears reside or do I let what's already been released be enough? What would you do?
I called my friend and she let me spend the night. I stayed up all night again, writing and watching movies. I did not feel normal at all.
I saw Carol today, my loving therapist. I was crying so much. I asked her to hold me and she said yes. She held me close and tight. It was a long time with lots of tears flowing, lots of sounds and her rubbing my back as she spoke. She said she admired me for going through this because it's so tough.
I kept crying. I have a feeling there's a battle inside. Do I risk going deeper where the really painful tears reside or do I let what's already been released be enough? What would you do?
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Ache
Dear God,
There's an ache in my body that reminds me of the powerlessness I have over events and challenges I face. The weakness in my legs, the pain in my head, the shaking all over, the cognitive impairment, the jumbling of my words, the sadness of my soul, the brokenness of my spirit, the tearing of my heart's muscles, the imbalance when I move - all of this leads to hopelessness and fear.
Seizures in my eyes that fixate while I'm at home or while I'm driving. Seizures in my mid-section that cramp and bruise the ribs. The convulsing and twisting and stretching and pulling my body trying to get the seizure out when in reality there's nowhere for it to go. No where for it to go.
I ache. I ache for understanding. I ache to keep up the good fight. I ache for friends who will step forward and talk with me even if they don't understand. I ache for someone to listen and to love and to hold me when I cry. I ache to be set free. It's a longing to be ache-free.
Longings...Jesus longings...Heaven's longings...no more ache's...no more tears...no more pain...no more sorrow...no more pain for a useless tomorrow.
A Gentle Reminder From Your Creator.
There's an ache in my body that reminds me of the powerlessness I have over events and challenges I face. The weakness in my legs, the pain in my head, the shaking all over, the cognitive impairment, the jumbling of my words, the sadness of my soul, the brokenness of my spirit, the tearing of my heart's muscles, the imbalance when I move - all of this leads to hopelessness and fear.
Seizures in my eyes that fixate while I'm at home or while I'm driving. Seizures in my mid-section that cramp and bruise the ribs. The convulsing and twisting and stretching and pulling my body trying to get the seizure out when in reality there's nowhere for it to go. No where for it to go.
I ache. I ache for understanding. I ache to keep up the good fight. I ache for friends who will step forward and talk with me even if they don't understand. I ache for someone to listen and to love and to hold me when I cry. I ache to be set free. It's a longing to be ache-free.
Longings...Jesus longings...Heaven's longings...no more ache's...no more tears...no more pain...no more sorrow...no more pain for a useless tomorrow.
A Gentle Reminder From Your Creator.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
When Emotions Are Raw
Often times when my emotions are running raw, my heart is divided. It's being pulled and stretched in different directions. There is one of two things happening. Either I'm growing or I'm being disobedient. I like to think I'm growing but there have been times when disobedience has reared its ugly head, causing more pain than was necessary.
But was it more than necessary? Sometimes I wonder if God lets us wander out into the desert so we can get full of sand, parched and thirsty for His water so we become more and more familiar with His kind of learning. So we can recognize it's attributes quicker, sooner and not so painfully.
That's my prayer for today. That the raw emotions I feel lead me to a place of obedience, not to a place in the dry desert where I wander for days uncertain of my destiny, parched and burning for certainty. Where the hope I see is not a mirage but a mirror of my Savior who is waiting for me with a cold bucket of ice water and a cold towel for my head. Shade in the form of a tent and a camel to take us home.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Days Awake
It's a brand new day. I'm wide awake at 2:00 but before then I'm fast asleep. I'm talking with my new sponsor Cheryl via email, trying to sort out the details of expectations and such. We almost have it worked out. I suspect that will come shortly. I'm excited to be back in AA where I can experience the freedom of sobriety and the love, support and honesty of people who know me and love me anyway. That's the beauty of 12 step groups. Authentic love.
For some reason I'm feeling lots of anxiety. I'm going over to Pam's. Heaven help her, please. And He did. I get quite chatty when the anxiety and panic get going. Thank goodness there's a pill for that. We laugh about it but it's really unnerving. She's such a good listener. Of course she can't get a word in edge wise but she's very patient and I'm sure if she had a baseball bat she'd give me a good whack just to put me out of my misery!! That's what friends are for, right???
I took that handy little pill and Pam found movie number 3 1/2 for us to watch. It was Days of Thunder. Perfect for a wide awake person. I was up all night and couldn't find any good movies to watch. Doesn't matter. The cats and Mr. Rabbit kept me company.
Oh yeah, I passed another kidney stone. What else is new? Nuttin.
God Bless you on this fine Tuesday.
Love Amy
For some reason I'm feeling lots of anxiety. I'm going over to Pam's. Heaven help her, please. And He did. I get quite chatty when the anxiety and panic get going. Thank goodness there's a pill for that. We laugh about it but it's really unnerving. She's such a good listener. Of course she can't get a word in edge wise but she's very patient and I'm sure if she had a baseball bat she'd give me a good whack just to put me out of my misery!! That's what friends are for, right???
I took that handy little pill and Pam found movie number 3 1/2 for us to watch. It was Days of Thunder. Perfect for a wide awake person. I was up all night and couldn't find any good movies to watch. Doesn't matter. The cats and Mr. Rabbit kept me company.
Oh yeah, I passed another kidney stone. What else is new? Nuttin.
God Bless you on this fine Tuesday.
Love Amy
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