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| Smudge's grave and Aaron's Urn |
I had vivid weird dreams last night. I think I was processing the day. Not being able to stay for the hour with my therapist, crying hard most of the day then sleeping deeply during the day and at night. The dream was intense as are my feelings.
My stomach is sour, my head aches, I'm tired and I'm still teary. In a little bit the dam will burst again and the hurt will pour out. It's messy, it's wet and it's understandable. Or so I've been told.
From the book "Necessary Losses", is this quote:
"Teach me how to know death and go on with life."
"To know death is to know these things are normal: feelings of immense sadness, helplessness, hopelessness, fear, emptiness, irritability, anger, guilt, restlessness and isolation. We may experience a change in appetite, sleep patterns or sex drive. We can expect to spend some time feeling enormous fatigue. You will heal more quickly and fully if you accept all of these facets of grief as part of your healing process. God created humans with a natural ability to heal, so rest assured, healing will happen. In fact, it's happening right now" (taken from Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love).
A feeling of warmth just swept over me. I'm committed to taking the time I need to heal. It will probably be a long time but that's okay. I don't seem to be worse off for all the crying. In fact I think it's helping me cleanse a lot of loss.
Aaron's death pushed me over the edge. Now it's time to be alone and also bring people along side me. I'm doing the best I can (which is progress) in bringing my top three people along with me on this journey. I still get scared at the depth of the sadness. Sharing that with someone is awfully intimate.
Am I ready?
I'm getting there.
