Samuel Clemons wrote, "It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live. There is but one reasonable explanation of it. The intellect is stunned by the shock and by groping gathers the meaning of the words. The power to realize their full import is mercifully wanting. The mind has a dumb sense of vast loss - that is all. It will take mind and memory months and possibly years to gather the details and thus learn and know the whole extent of the loss."
I think my bereavement has waited for my mind to be clearly conscious before it entered into all the loss I have suffered since October 2006. That's when my physical/emotional self started having memories of childhood sexual abuse. I believe God knew I was ready for a wake up call - one that is not dialed easily nor is it a short conversation. Two years later I had the first of many months of seizures. My physical body was now in torment and my mental status went right along with it. I grabbed at booze and cutting to ease my pain but neither worked. I pleaded and attempted suicide but that didn't work either. The Holy Spirit kept whispering hopeful and challenging words to me so I would increase good behavior or immediately stop self-destructive behavior.
I isolated, I ran emotionally, I hid my pain, I denounced close friendships. I felt unworthy of any kindness, understanding, love or compassion. I was a mess and didn't want to spill it on anyone else. What I didn't know then that I know now is they had a towel and were prepared to help me.
Now the feelings flood out of me. I have days I'm in bed depressed but not suicidal. I have days where I don't shower or wash my hair. I have days when I talk to no one. I have days my eyes are so swollen I fall asleep and awake with the same condition.
I am processing grieving. This is what it's like...for me.
