What do you do when you tell one of your three closest friends the above statement? Do you fear their response? I did. Here's a message one of them sent me:
"You are a marvel Amy; I admire your steadfastness and longsuffering. I will be praying for relief for you from your distress. I LOVE YOU!!"
Puts it in perspective, doesn't it?
In therapy I offered to write about the little book I'm reading entitled, "Grieving the Loss of Someone You Love". I'll start at the beginning with the Introduction.
I feel too injured to be helped. Like there's nothing left to do but put me out of my misery. I'm frightened and want to be held. I want to be given a sleep-inducing drug that will swiftly move me from life to death in an instant. Never to return, never to hurt again.
I postponed feeling the death of four people, my health challenges, loss of job, one pet death and one pet missing since August 2008. I am tired, worn out and now my therapist (and I) think it's time to talk about the grief, my self esteem and my identity. What an enormous task.
I would describe myself as terrified, afraid we're going to fight, afraid I'm going to walk out and afraid I won't be put back together at the end of each session.
For each of these life events I've felt vulnerable to feelings of loss and isolation, loss of self control, powerlessness and the need to self injure by cutting or suicide.
When does it all end? When I begin to let the chaos in my head reach down to my heart. As is said, that's the longest distance in the world to travel.
